Today I want to quickly interrupt 12 Days of Christmas (don’t forget to check those out if you haven’t already!!) for another MHM, my last one for this year. One of the best pieces of advice I’ve gotten during my battle has been to try and write out my feelings every time I have an urge or begin to feel anxious. To be honest, when I first heard this I was really hesitant about it. As much as I love to write and express my feelings through words, I thought that words wouldn’t be able to explain all my thoughts and feelings. But once I gave it a try, I found myself able to express some things beautifully, brutally but honestly. I wanted to share some of the writings that have come out of some of the hardest times. I’ve said this before, but I’ll say it again: I’m not doing any of this for pity or attention. I’m here to break the stigma around mental health. That’s why I’m choosing to be open and vulnerable. I want to be the person who talks about their battle, the good, the bad and the ugly, so that others struggling know they’re not alone.
-“Times like this make me want to give in, throwing up is so much easier than dealing with the mental war I have going on right now.”
“It’s okay that I’m not okay.”
“The harm of one cookie pales in comparison to the harm of forcing a purge.”
“I’m going to keep looking forward, towards the light that shines brightly at what seems like a never ending tunnel. But the tunnel will end.”
“I don’t want to ruin my nail polish, but I also don’t know how to stop myself.”
“Prioritizing my recovery is sometimes the hardest part of my day.”
“I realized I was allowed to feel anxious. It was the way I was feeling in my core, and there was nothing I could have done to change that.”
“Pizza makes me feel guilty, but being bent over the toilet with my fingers down my throat and my mascara running makes me feel even more guilty. In a battle of the guilts, I choose the pizza.”
“It’s not scary that people call me crazy, it’s scary that I believe them.”
“What I want people to realize the most are things that I don’t know how to verbalize.”
“Sometimes the biggest lie I tell people is that I’m okay.”
To anyone reading this who is also suffering, remember you are not alone. Please reach out to me if you need someone to talk to.
National Alliance on Mental Health: https://www.nami.org/
National Eating Disorder Association: https://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/